so one of my goals for the next 6 months was to be completely free of my anxiety by the time i left here. one of the craziest things is happening here right now. i always knew that it is totally in my mind... where i work myself up enough to have panic attacks and nervousness that interferes with a lot of things in my life. panic attacks at work and in your bed alone at night are never fun. neither is having to take anti-anxiety meds. SO... what i've been praying through lately is just for the Lord to rid me of that anxiety and worry and to ease my mind. and in the areas where i feel insecurity creep in, that the Lord would remind me that HE is peace. HE is comfort. HE is calmness. HE is NOT worry, insecurity, stress, or anxiety. those things do not come from Him. if i am living in complete and utter surrender to Him then those things should not exist.

i think another thing that has been challenging me that correlates with all of this is that other than my decision to come here on my DTS, i have not really said "yes" to God. when there are things laid on my heart and little nudges that He gives me and i do nothing... it creates anxiety because there is a disconnect there. i worry because i'm not sure if i'm doing what i'm supposed to be doing, yada yada yada. so here i am, saying YES to the LORD. and doing what He has annointed me to do. yikes!

so another friend of mine came to me and told me she struggles with the same thing and asked if we could pray together. i was totally struck by her honesty and sincerity and willingness to confide in me and so we prayed together and decided to keep each other accountable and decided then and there that we were to be set free from that. it's easy to say it all right now because we just got here. however, the real challenge will be when we're homesick, when satan's trying to pry and attempt to ruin what the Lord is doing here. but it is wonderful to have a friend to go alongside it all with. for that i am very grateful.

"cast all your anxiety on the LORD because He cares for you." 1 peter 5:7

today, robyn, the base director, made a wonderful statement she took from loren cunningham, the founder of ywam. she said, "have you ever seen a bird with a furrowed brow? have you ever seen a worried bird? doesn't your Father look after the birds of the air? how much more does He care for you?"

"Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" matt 6:26

friends, i'm surrounded by wonderful people here. we are constantly in community... there are over 100 of us at the base total. always someone new to get to know and love. we are all here for the same reason... to grow closer to our Creator and make disciples. we have over 14 nations here... PNG, Denmark, Norway, UK, USA, Australia, NZ, Switzerland, Germany, etc... and when we're all in worship together, i can't tell you how cool it is that we all know the same songs and we're all singing to the same God, but that He is the same to all of our nations, and the same and also different to us individually. He has spoken individual things over us, but we all get to worship Him together. there is something so powerful in that. sounds so simple, but i've just never experienced anything like it in my life. prayer and worship in every second of the day is so normal here. people are constantly praying with and encouraging one another... i've just been in utter shock.

today has been difficult because we had our orientation and i really grasped the gravity of all that was going to happen while we're here. it's going to be difficult, enjoyable, wonderful, and challenging. God is already STRETCHING me. so hard and so uncomfortably. but i know it is going to bear much fruit. i will do it because He said to.

this is only day 3 and i am wrecked. this is by far the best, hardest place i've ever been in and it's only the beginning. i can't wait to see more.

much love,

mal

pictures!

hello again. i'm back- with pictures. and also my email updates i wrote on word while on my layovers :) enjoy.

JAN. 13, 2010

01/13/10

Hi friends and family! Today has been one crazy, hectic day. As most of you know, I have a little bit of an anxiety/stress problem, so for the last couple days, I’ve gotten zero sleep and been pretty much in a constant state of panic. BUT, on good news, I did not get motion sick on the plane! Which never happens… I got these wristbands that push on your radial pressure point and they worked wonders! So that made me happy.

With all of that being said, I am writing to you from Los Angeles, CA. I’m boarding my flight for Nadi, Fiji in about 2 hours. (Sadly, I’ll only be spending about a 3 hour layover there!) On my flight to LA, I was supposed to sit in the middle seat (of which I was not excited about), but when I sat down, someone was already in my seat, so I got the aisle. Which ended up working pretty well for me. The man sitting next to me was named Jason and we talked for a long time, pretty much the whole flight, while we both played “angry birds.” If you don’t know what it is, it’s a game that you’ll get addicted to, so DON’T download it. he had heard of YWAM and had a friend who was a missionary in Nepal. It was nice and refreshing and calmed my nerves (as well as the 2 bloody mary’s I had on the plane, tehe). I also met a really sweet woman named Priscilla and she and I talked for a while. As cheesy as it may sound, I think God gave me those people to calm me down a bit and ease my anxiety. It made the plane ride seem like it took no time at all.

So, after I arrive in Nadi, Fiji, I board a plane for Brisbane, Australia. Both of those flights together equal 20 hours. Holy smokes. But I am hoping to sleep during a lot of that to pass the time. I’ve already read 2 magazines and I have to admit, my boredom is growing by the minute. My brother was going to meet me at LAX (he lives here) and he ended up having a school midterm that he couldn’t miss. Sad days. Once I arrive in Brisbane, I have an hour layover I believe before I board my final flight, a 2 hour domestic flight to Townsville. When I arrive, it will be Saturday, January 15^th there and it will be 87 degrees and sunny. AHHHHH. I cannot wait!

It is definitely weird flying alone, especially internationally. I was a little worried when I got to LAX, I got about 4 different instructions on how to connect flights and where I was supposed to go. I finally found it and they also gave me a window seat for my flight to Fiji, yesssss. Let the sleeping coma begin!

I cannot tell you how grateful I feel to be doing this and also how humbled. There are so many parts of me that I feel are inadequate and not capable to do this, and even undeserving. But the Lord chose me to do this and so I’m gonna trust it and just go with it. even if it means taking me out of my comfort zone, raising my anxiety through the roof, and having to get shots and take lots of yucky meds while I’m overseas.

I have some prayer requests for all of you:

-as most of you know, there has been extreme flooding in Queensland, specifically in Brisbane and Townsville (where I’ll be). I have a feeling we’ll be doing a lot of flood relief. However, please continue to pray for the country, for the city, for the people, and that we can start rebuilding asap, and for our safety. Several lives have been lost, some are missing, and people’s lives are devastated.

-my nerves. This will be an ongoing thing throughout the duration of the trip. I’ve spoken about it several times, but I get the tendency to get very nervous and overly stressed, sometimes unnecessarily about things. I make myself sick, literally. That’s one of the things I’d like to overcome on this trip. Breaking free from that anxiety and from the worry that seems to follow me around constantly!

-the safety of my team and I and that we would create lasting, positive friendships and be able to work as a team to do what we are there to do.

-lots and lots of opportunities for outreach. We will be in Australia, Papua New Guinea, and depending on which outreach location we all choose individually: Thailand, Indonesia, Fiji, PNG, or New Zealand.

-lastly… where I should go for my outreach. I’m in between a couple of options, and I don’t have to pick for a little while, so I have some time to decide. But just pray that I learn to discern where God wants me to go in the midst of where I want to go. Hopefully they’ll be the same thing, but ya just never know.

Lastly, I am so grateful for all of your contributions to my trip. Whether it be financially, emotionally, spiritually, etc. it all makes a difference and it is a huge part of what gave me the courage to do something like this. My heart literally aches because I miss you so much. Know that I am constantly thinking about all of you. And don’t you dare worry about me for a second. I am alive and well, I am going to thrive, and I am going to be made new. I can’t wait to hug all of you.

Carly, Hayley, Allie, Lark: there aren’t words for how much I miss my girls already. It’s margaritas and ladies night out when I return. You can count on that.

Momma, Daddy, Julie, Marc, Taylor, Isabella, Madeline, Nana, Poppy and the rest of the fam: thank you. Just thank you.

I am a nervous wreck but I am so joyful that it’s RIDICULOUS. The Lord is up to something CRAZY and I cant wait to tell you all about it when I can.

Love you all and miss you something fierce,

Mal

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

01/15/10 (sort of 01/14/10, but we skipped that day through the time zones!)

So I am now in Nadi, Fiji waiting to board my next flight to Brisbane. I got a nice surprise, instead of what I thought was an 8 hour flight, I now know that it is only 3 hrs! thus my time is now equaled to 27 hours of total travel. The flight through to Fiji wasn’t terrible. We were in a 747 HUGE double decker plane. I managed to get the window seat, and I got to sit next to this wonderful elderly couple named Eve and Pat LeBlanc. We talked for a long time and then I finally went to sleep. I’m not sure how long it was that I slept due to all the time changes and stuff, but I do know it couldn’t have been more than 5 hours. I’m not sure I’ve ever been so tired in my life! But I am a happy girl. Dinner and breakfast on the plane wasn’t bad at all. The seats were a little snug and I didn’t have much room at all, but I didn’t mind since I had wonderful people to talk to. I did run into a little bit of problems today with the Fiji security. They took every singe mini bottle (travel size appropriate) that I had, as well as my entire makeup bag and wouldn’t let me keep it unless I could get a zip lock bag. Of course, I was furious and really had to try hard not to bite the ladies head off. She even took my chapstick for crying out loud! It’s not even liquid! LUCKILY, this nice man who came through after me gave me his plastic bag and consolidated all his stuff into one bag. So I still have all my goodies.

After this next flight, I have a 2 hour layover and then I am in Townsville! YWAM will have someone there to pick me up and take me to the base and there I will be for the next 6 months.

Fam- sorry I haven’t called. No phone and no reception and also NO internet. I am writing all these posts on word docs. I will let you know I’ve arrived as soon as everything is accessible.

Love you all so much,

Mal

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm happy. here are some pictures. i feel like the word the Lord has given to me over the next few months is "thrive." that's what keeps coming up and i will do just that.

PS. that hike is BRUTAL. sam and i only made it 3/4 of the way and let the boys finish it up. goal of the trip, make it to the top. granted i did run 2 miles this morning, haha. but it's gorgeous and totally worth doing it over and over and over.

the fiji airport!

first glimpse of australia! brisbane.

brisbane

brisbane again

flooded area in brisbane.

bunk beds.
my bed is the top one, and that's my wonderful bunkie, sam! she's from canada.

the closet i share with 4 other girls.

my view from my window! beautiful.

our balcony

2 showers and 1 bathroom... for 18 girls! ahhh!

check out our mini kitchen! yes it's outside.

sam and i at the top of castle hill

sweet friend.

where i live :)

greetings from townsville!

hello sweet people.

i'm in the beautiful townsville, QLD, aus. it is gorgeous here.

i'm in a flat with 17 other girls and we are having a BLAST. there are 27 girls and 10 guys in my DTS. i've been up since 4am due to jet lag, and so i went to bed at 9pm, woke up at 4am and then went on an amazing, scenic run through townsville. i'm getting ready to go for a hike now and then maybe hit up the market for a little bit to get some last minute things and hopefully make it to the beach for a little while.

i promise to give you more of an update soon AND with pictures.

much love.

my heart

yikes! 2 days away from my departure. and i am no more prepared than i was 8 months ago spiritually, emotionally, what have you.

georgia has had this major snowstorm the last couple of days and i've been stranded at my best friends house with her and her husband. it's been a blast, but it's been a big inconvenience as far as my preparation for my trip. i tried to drive home today and with rear wheel drive, it was not wanting to drive on the roads and it just left me frustrated and mad. i am very thankful for carly and tyler letting me stay with them. we made hot toddy's, played in the snow at midnight last night, and spent all day watching movies and relaxing.

but i missed my immunization appointment today and i have a rescheduled one tomorrow that i won't be making it to. so that leaves me with wednesday only to get all my stuff done. and for a person with anxiety who's also a planner... it makes it very difficult and stressful for me and making it very hard to enjoy my last few days at home. on top of the fact that my grandparents cannot come up from savannah now because of the weather.

i think it's safe to say that i am a little under the weather. i feel very melancholy and somber. i hate that because i have so much to be excited about. i am about to go on the biggest adventure of my life! so i hate all the spiritual warfare that's attempting to bring me down right now. i will not let it defeat me.

i'm leaving in 2 days, i'm going to enjoy my last few days at home and celebrate the people in my life who i get to spend that last little bit of time with. i'm going to eat my favorite foods, stay up extra late, cry when i think about leaving my friends and fam, watch way too many episodes of "sex and the city," and get all my last minute stuff done with out complaining.

my heart is heavy, but i think it's all mixed together with happiness, love, emotion, and anxiety about leaving. keep me in your prayers friends, my team, this weather, everyone's safety. i need it.

the time has come, the walrus said...

to talk of many things, of shoes and ships and ceiling wax and cabbages and kings..."

wow. a week and a day from my departure to the land down under. my mind and heart are racing as i think about all that lies ahead for me these next 6 months. how do i prepare for something when i have no idea what to expect? these last few days have been happy days, but they've been hard days. i've cried SO much for things i'll miss... my family, one of my best friend's weddings, my friends, my girls, my job, my sweet sisters, my own room... and then i think of all the things i'll get to experience, one of the most beautiful places in the world, living in constant community, learning and growing into a woman after God's heart, becoming more confident and sure in who i am and who i'm not, learning how to love better and stronger... to look more like my Jesus. it's just tough. my heart hurts. i'm so excited but i'm so sad.

in my last few days at home i've really seen just how special my friends and family are to me. it's been difficult allotting enough time to spend with everyone... so many coffee dates and lunch and dinner dates. i want to see everyone before i leave, but also rest and have some time to soak things in. i have moved out of my apartment officially and seen how much crap i had accumulated over 4.5 years of college. i threw away a lot of stuff and downsized and simplified my life a little bit. feels nice. i can't wait to come home and have my own apartment and to stay put for awhile. but for now, the Lord has called me elsewhere. i am nervous, but i am rested and assured in my God.

i cannot wait to meet the people i will be doing life with for the next 6 months. i kinda hope they all remind me of my friends at home in different ways. might make the transition easier.

tomorrow i am having a spa day with my mom and then my going away party will occur! i always love my birthday parties because my friends all come from different phases of life and are all together in one place. tomorrow night will be the same thing... all friends from different places + my parents will be there. i cannot wait to spend some quality time loving on the people that i love the most. you don't get better friends than the one's i have. they're my family. my closest people. ahhhh i am going to miss them so!

anyways. i'm sure i'll be updating again soon, but for now, that's all i got.

much love

anxious thoughts.

so I know I've been talking about my countdowns a lot, with lots of transitions and changes about to occur for me and what not... but I don't think I've really grasped the heaviness of what is all about to occur in my life. I knew when I was 18 that the Lord called me to missions. While I think we're all born with a missionary heart and missionary feet, I think there are those specifically whom God has called to share about Him in other places of the world. I remember the Christmas that I heard clearly from the Lord... back in 2006. It scared me to DEATH. From then on, I didn't dare ask the Lord what He wanted me to do with my life. I prayed for Him to show me, in hopes that it would be something completely different and comfortable from the tugs on my heart that He'd placed in me... perhaps hoping that He'd change His mind. Well... no such luck. My Lord has trusted me and equipped me to leave my home, my friends, my family, my job, and my life to go somewhere else so that others may know about the wonder of Jesus Christ. why? I just don't get it. I have been so excited for the last few months, just wanting them to hurry up and get them over with. Now, I have less than 5 weeks left. I leave a month from tomorrow (the 13th). And I'm wishing the days would slow down. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited... and truth be told, I think part of me is excited, but part of me is scared as hell. I am leaving on this journey desperate to hear from God, to have an encounter with Him beyond anything I've experienced before. My biggest fear is that I will get in the way... that I won't allow myself to be changed and then I would come home completely unchanged. My biggest fear is not that satan will interfere, but of myself. That my own doubts and perceptions of myself will hinder me. Sounds really simple doesn't it?

I just keep thinking about all the things I will miss and I get sad. One of my best friends is getting married in March and I was supposed to be a bridesmaid. I am more sad about this than I can even put into words. Some of my best friends are graduating from college in May, and I will still be gone. Engagements, marriages, births... all of dear friends of mine, I'll miss them. I'll be behind while everyone else is still going. Not to mention the comforts of my own bed, going home to my momma's when I have an emotional breakdown, late night beers with my co-workers, my church community... all of the things that make my heart feel at home. But then I think, the Lord will fulfill those needs and desires of mine while I'm gone. No doubt I am going to feel homesick. I'll be roughing it for a majority of my trip, but I know the Lord's kindness. He knows I'm a big mess of contradictions. I'm emotional and cold all at the same time. I think I'll try to pretend I'm tough and in the end just having a big sob fest over skype when I see the sweet faces of my best friends half way across the world. I think initially the days are going to seem like months, but towards the end, the days won't be near long enough. I am expecting the Lord to change my life, to change my heart, to make me more like Him. Not that He and I can't work that out here, but I think it's going to take some serious soul searching and encounters with Him that take me away from all of my crutches. You know what I think? I think the Lord is going to fill me up so much that when we go on our outreach, I won't even be able to contain all of the things He has showed me... that I'll be overflowing to share with everyone. (totally not me... at all). I would like to come home partly the same Malloree... who loves going out, dancing, drinking beer, can't get enough of her friends, being spontaneous, etc... but I'd like to be more refined. wiser.

I think satan gets at me a lot though in the thoughts I have about being with my team... things super silly like, "what if they don't like me?" "what if they shut me out?" "what if I have nothing to offer?" really ridiculous stuff. I know who I am because Jesus has told me. I know what I'm going out there to do, and that's all I intend to do.

ahhhh. Only 30 more days, friends. only 30 more days. I am a nervous wreck. but Jesus will come through. sorry, what a mess of thoughts. but that's my head these days. I should be studying for a final tomorrow, but there was a lot of stuff on my mind today. pray for me, guys. pray pray pray.

countdown update!

I am in especially joyful spirits today! Partly because I am taking my 5th test for the week (holy, shoot me!) which means finals is almost over... and because I am leaving for New York City today! also I am joyful because the countdown keeps on going. here we go:

-I am an official alumna of Zeta Tau Alpha as of Tuesday! woo woo!

-2 weeks as of yesterday, I will be a college graduate! 13 more days and 2 more finals to go!

-6 weeks from today I will be leaving for Australia. Only a little over a month! I still have about $2000 more to raise, but I know the Lord is doing stuff behind the scenes. He's already provided so much thus far and I'm looking forward to seeing what is up His sleeve for me!

ya'll pray for me if you pray, as I'm getting overwhelmed (excited, but overwhelmed) and the reality of missing friends and family and quitting my job is weighing on me more and more. but my trust and intimacy with God is growing and growing :) kind of a bittersweet exchange. I am grateful though for the heartache of leaving because it means I have something stable, wonderful, and positive to leave behind... and makes coming back home to it that much sweeter.

Hope you are all having a lovely holiday season and are staying nice and warm. I am happy in this moment that I'm writing and my heart is so overjoyed to have so much to look forward to. I pray that you are all able to find joy these days... as things get hectic and busy and bustling and COLD and slightly overwhelming. I'm starting to see that it's the little things that keep me going these days! praying for lots of little blessings to come your way, friends.

I don't know what's gotten into me today! I'm just a ball of bursting happiness today!