I think will all the transitions that are up and coming in these next few months, I just have it in my head that I want to enjoy the simpler things and spend my last few months before leaving, spending time with friends and family, sleeping in when I can, having fun, and working my little tail off to save some cash. With all that going on, it doesn't leave time for much else :o)
I am still my little busy self, having to schedule time to spend with friends, to take a nap, or to pick up an extra shift at work. I am even having to make sure I'm balancing my time well enough to make it to the grocery store or even get a minute to drop off and pick up my dry cleaning. I'm ready for things to start winding down a little. 18 hours was a lot to take my last semester and with the amount of hours I'm attempting to work every week, things just get a little hectic. and I still need to have a life. I also haven't really been talking about my feelings at all... I've been keeping stuff pent up, because it makes me feel so ridiculous to share some of the things I feel, and I feel almost ashamed sometimes because life really is so sweet and I am so grateful to have an education, a great job, amazing friends, wonderful family, and everything else. just sometimes too much of a good thing is too much.
let's just put it simply... I'm burnt out.
I haven't felt like me for a long time. I'm really trying to find who that is. I know I'm 22 and that this is something that I'm probably gonna go through for a long time, but I just miss being free spirited, spontaneous, and happy go lucky, kinda go with the flow girl that I have been my whole life. I need some down time. I've been skipping class just to have "me" time... time to sleep in, time to clean, time to go get my car fixed, etc. It's just been overwhelming lately.
I'm taking a break from things I feel like I HAVE to do, and focusing on the things that I really need to do, and then the things I want to do, and learning to say no. thanks to my friends who have been so patient with me these last several months. I know I've been such a train wreck. one thing that has been put on the back burner is the time I have spent with God in prayer, in writing, in worship... I had been asked to pick up Sundays for about 6 weeks, so I have not been able to be in the community and church setting for awhile, and I really miss that. by the time I get there, it's super late, and I'm so tired from working all day that I'm just a grumpy mess and I'm not encouraging or positive. I lay in my bed at the end of the day and I literally think, "I'm too tired to pray right now." when I'm in my car, I'm "too busy" on the phone or hurrying to work that I think, "too busy. can't talk to God right now." the other morning, I woke up at 6am randomly... and I really felt God kinda pulling at me to go read/write/spend some time with Him. what a perfect opportunity... I don't have class for a few hours, I won't be hurried. but you know what I did... I laid in my bed for like 3 hours and did nothing until I had to get up for class. insane. I don't recognize myself these days.
My friend from my church, Samuel, said to me the other night.... "you know it's bad when you look at yourself in the mirror and you don't know who that person is anymore." that's kinda how I feel. this isn't who Malloree is.
also- I feel like something is stirring in my life. like God is working something out and He's keeping it from me. It's weird... kind of like I'm waiting for something. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!! There's been some random, "coincidental" stuff happen recently, that could all eventually tie together, but I have no idea when/where/how/what it's going to be. it's going to be interesting to watch it all play out though. In the meantime, I'm praying for patience (because I have zero) and for discernment and in hopes that I'll be ready and prepared when and if something actually does happen.
on a more positive note... if anyone read about my trip to Australia in a few prior posts, I have a couple of exciting updates about that. I haven't gone into too much detail about the trip, but I promise that I will, closer to the date... however, my biggest obstacle in all of this is myself. overcoming MY fears, MY insecurities, MY skewed view of who I am and who God is and who He is to me.... so with all that, I really have been concerned about how on earth I am going to raise this month ($10,000) before I leave for Australia in January. let me tell you something... if I did not trust God's provision before this, it's the thing I've learned most about through preparing for this. some regulars of mine at my job donated $500 t0 me last week. I've also had a couple of other random donations, I've saved a lot, and family has donated. I have not even sent out my support letter yet... and I am already making HUGE progress. My worry about the money is GONE. It's crazy... there's a calmness there where the fear once was. what generosity from people who just come sit in my section at the restaurant every week... a precious older couple, who is now invested in my journey. I am just so entirely grateful. I'm tearing up as I write this, and it makes me laugh because all I can keep thinking is how stupid I am for doubting God when I knew that this was something He's been calling me to for a long time... and to think He wouldn't equip and provide for me? ridiculous. I am greatly humbled.
more updates on that later though :)
but more on that later. friends, if you read this, just pray I keep pushing through. life is great, honestly I'm just a big baby and sometimes I just get a little overwhelmed. even if it's unnecessary.
ughhhh. haha I can't believe I just shared all of this. how's that for brutal honesty? thanks friends for always being patient, for praying, and for sticking by me when I'm all over the place.
so much love,
Mal
