anxious thoughts.

so I know I've been talking about my countdowns a lot, with lots of transitions and changes about to occur for me and what not... but I don't think I've really grasped the heaviness of what is all about to occur in my life. I knew when I was 18 that the Lord called me to missions. While I think we're all born with a missionary heart and missionary feet, I think there are those specifically whom God has called to share about Him in other places of the world. I remember the Christmas that I heard clearly from the Lord... back in 2006. It scared me to DEATH. From then on, I didn't dare ask the Lord what He wanted me to do with my life. I prayed for Him to show me, in hopes that it would be something completely different and comfortable from the tugs on my heart that He'd placed in me... perhaps hoping that He'd change His mind. Well... no such luck. My Lord has trusted me and equipped me to leave my home, my friends, my family, my job, and my life to go somewhere else so that others may know about the wonder of Jesus Christ. why? I just don't get it. I have been so excited for the last few months, just wanting them to hurry up and get them over with. Now, I have less than 5 weeks left. I leave a month from tomorrow (the 13th). And I'm wishing the days would slow down. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited... and truth be told, I think part of me is excited, but part of me is scared as hell. I am leaving on this journey desperate to hear from God, to have an encounter with Him beyond anything I've experienced before. My biggest fear is that I will get in the way... that I won't allow myself to be changed and then I would come home completely unchanged. My biggest fear is not that satan will interfere, but of myself. That my own doubts and perceptions of myself will hinder me. Sounds really simple doesn't it?

I just keep thinking about all the things I will miss and I get sad. One of my best friends is getting married in March and I was supposed to be a bridesmaid. I am more sad about this than I can even put into words. Some of my best friends are graduating from college in May, and I will still be gone. Engagements, marriages, births... all of dear friends of mine, I'll miss them. I'll be behind while everyone else is still going. Not to mention the comforts of my own bed, going home to my momma's when I have an emotional breakdown, late night beers with my co-workers, my church community... all of the things that make my heart feel at home. But then I think, the Lord will fulfill those needs and desires of mine while I'm gone. No doubt I am going to feel homesick. I'll be roughing it for a majority of my trip, but I know the Lord's kindness. He knows I'm a big mess of contradictions. I'm emotional and cold all at the same time. I think I'll try to pretend I'm tough and in the end just having a big sob fest over skype when I see the sweet faces of my best friends half way across the world. I think initially the days are going to seem like months, but towards the end, the days won't be near long enough. I am expecting the Lord to change my life, to change my heart, to make me more like Him. Not that He and I can't work that out here, but I think it's going to take some serious soul searching and encounters with Him that take me away from all of my crutches. You know what I think? I think the Lord is going to fill me up so much that when we go on our outreach, I won't even be able to contain all of the things He has showed me... that I'll be overflowing to share with everyone. (totally not me... at all). I would like to come home partly the same Malloree... who loves going out, dancing, drinking beer, can't get enough of her friends, being spontaneous, etc... but I'd like to be more refined. wiser.

I think satan gets at me a lot though in the thoughts I have about being with my team... things super silly like, "what if they don't like me?" "what if they shut me out?" "what if I have nothing to offer?" really ridiculous stuff. I know who I am because Jesus has told me. I know what I'm going out there to do, and that's all I intend to do.

ahhhh. Only 30 more days, friends. only 30 more days. I am a nervous wreck. but Jesus will come through. sorry, what a mess of thoughts. but that's my head these days. I should be studying for a final tomorrow, but there was a lot of stuff on my mind today. pray for me, guys. pray pray pray.