the time has come, the walrus said...

to talk of many things, of shoes and ships and ceiling wax and cabbages and kings..."

wow. a week and a day from my departure to the land down under. my mind and heart are racing as i think about all that lies ahead for me these next 6 months. how do i prepare for something when i have no idea what to expect? these last few days have been happy days, but they've been hard days. i've cried SO much for things i'll miss... my family, one of my best friend's weddings, my friends, my girls, my job, my sweet sisters, my own room... and then i think of all the things i'll get to experience, one of the most beautiful places in the world, living in constant community, learning and growing into a woman after God's heart, becoming more confident and sure in who i am and who i'm not, learning how to love better and stronger... to look more like my Jesus. it's just tough. my heart hurts. i'm so excited but i'm so sad.

in my last few days at home i've really seen just how special my friends and family are to me. it's been difficult allotting enough time to spend with everyone... so many coffee dates and lunch and dinner dates. i want to see everyone before i leave, but also rest and have some time to soak things in. i have moved out of my apartment officially and seen how much crap i had accumulated over 4.5 years of college. i threw away a lot of stuff and downsized and simplified my life a little bit. feels nice. i can't wait to come home and have my own apartment and to stay put for awhile. but for now, the Lord has called me elsewhere. i am nervous, but i am rested and assured in my God.

i cannot wait to meet the people i will be doing life with for the next 6 months. i kinda hope they all remind me of my friends at home in different ways. might make the transition easier.

tomorrow i am having a spa day with my mom and then my going away party will occur! i always love my birthday parties because my friends all come from different phases of life and are all together in one place. tomorrow night will be the same thing... all friends from different places + my parents will be there. i cannot wait to spend some quality time loving on the people that i love the most. you don't get better friends than the one's i have. they're my family. my closest people. ahhhh i am going to miss them so!

anyways. i'm sure i'll be updating again soon, but for now, that's all i got.

much love

anxious thoughts.

so I know I've been talking about my countdowns a lot, with lots of transitions and changes about to occur for me and what not... but I don't think I've really grasped the heaviness of what is all about to occur in my life. I knew when I was 18 that the Lord called me to missions. While I think we're all born with a missionary heart and missionary feet, I think there are those specifically whom God has called to share about Him in other places of the world. I remember the Christmas that I heard clearly from the Lord... back in 2006. It scared me to DEATH. From then on, I didn't dare ask the Lord what He wanted me to do with my life. I prayed for Him to show me, in hopes that it would be something completely different and comfortable from the tugs on my heart that He'd placed in me... perhaps hoping that He'd change His mind. Well... no such luck. My Lord has trusted me and equipped me to leave my home, my friends, my family, my job, and my life to go somewhere else so that others may know about the wonder of Jesus Christ. why? I just don't get it. I have been so excited for the last few months, just wanting them to hurry up and get them over with. Now, I have less than 5 weeks left. I leave a month from tomorrow (the 13th). And I'm wishing the days would slow down. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited... and truth be told, I think part of me is excited, but part of me is scared as hell. I am leaving on this journey desperate to hear from God, to have an encounter with Him beyond anything I've experienced before. My biggest fear is that I will get in the way... that I won't allow myself to be changed and then I would come home completely unchanged. My biggest fear is not that satan will interfere, but of myself. That my own doubts and perceptions of myself will hinder me. Sounds really simple doesn't it?

I just keep thinking about all the things I will miss and I get sad. One of my best friends is getting married in March and I was supposed to be a bridesmaid. I am more sad about this than I can even put into words. Some of my best friends are graduating from college in May, and I will still be gone. Engagements, marriages, births... all of dear friends of mine, I'll miss them. I'll be behind while everyone else is still going. Not to mention the comforts of my own bed, going home to my momma's when I have an emotional breakdown, late night beers with my co-workers, my church community... all of the things that make my heart feel at home. But then I think, the Lord will fulfill those needs and desires of mine while I'm gone. No doubt I am going to feel homesick. I'll be roughing it for a majority of my trip, but I know the Lord's kindness. He knows I'm a big mess of contradictions. I'm emotional and cold all at the same time. I think I'll try to pretend I'm tough and in the end just having a big sob fest over skype when I see the sweet faces of my best friends half way across the world. I think initially the days are going to seem like months, but towards the end, the days won't be near long enough. I am expecting the Lord to change my life, to change my heart, to make me more like Him. Not that He and I can't work that out here, but I think it's going to take some serious soul searching and encounters with Him that take me away from all of my crutches. You know what I think? I think the Lord is going to fill me up so much that when we go on our outreach, I won't even be able to contain all of the things He has showed me... that I'll be overflowing to share with everyone. (totally not me... at all). I would like to come home partly the same Malloree... who loves going out, dancing, drinking beer, can't get enough of her friends, being spontaneous, etc... but I'd like to be more refined. wiser.

I think satan gets at me a lot though in the thoughts I have about being with my team... things super silly like, "what if they don't like me?" "what if they shut me out?" "what if I have nothing to offer?" really ridiculous stuff. I know who I am because Jesus has told me. I know what I'm going out there to do, and that's all I intend to do.

ahhhh. Only 30 more days, friends. only 30 more days. I am a nervous wreck. but Jesus will come through. sorry, what a mess of thoughts. but that's my head these days. I should be studying for a final tomorrow, but there was a lot of stuff on my mind today. pray for me, guys. pray pray pray.

countdown update!

I am in especially joyful spirits today! Partly because I am taking my 5th test for the week (holy, shoot me!) which means finals is almost over... and because I am leaving for New York City today! also I am joyful because the countdown keeps on going. here we go:

-I am an official alumna of Zeta Tau Alpha as of Tuesday! woo woo!

-2 weeks as of yesterday, I will be a college graduate! 13 more days and 2 more finals to go!

-6 weeks from today I will be leaving for Australia. Only a little over a month! I still have about $2000 more to raise, but I know the Lord is doing stuff behind the scenes. He's already provided so much thus far and I'm looking forward to seeing what is up His sleeve for me!

ya'll pray for me if you pray, as I'm getting overwhelmed (excited, but overwhelmed) and the reality of missing friends and family and quitting my job is weighing on me more and more. but my trust and intimacy with God is growing and growing :) kind of a bittersweet exchange. I am grateful though for the heartache of leaving because it means I have something stable, wonderful, and positive to leave behind... and makes coming back home to it that much sweeter.

Hope you are all having a lovely holiday season and are staying nice and warm. I am happy in this moment that I'm writing and my heart is so overjoyed to have so much to look forward to. I pray that you are all able to find joy these days... as things get hectic and busy and bustling and COLD and slightly overwhelming. I'm starting to see that it's the little things that keep me going these days! praying for lots of little blessings to come your way, friends.

I don't know what's gotten into me today! I'm just a ball of bursting happiness today!

zeta.

so I have tried to keep my posts, my tweets, my facebook as separated as I could about my sorority life, because I know not a lot of people understand nor want to hear about it... and most people's perceptions of it are usually wrong. I know mine were. but tonight, I am officially an alumna of Zeta Tau Alpha. I have devoted minutes, hours, days, week, months, and years to this organization... held several positions and paid every single cent of it with my own money. I was and still am proud to be a sister and member of this organization. These women dedicate their time and their money and their lives to raising money for breast cancer awareness and education, volunteering at the atlanta food bank, and working with several other local philanthropies and organizations. They plan and put on events for our sorority as well as for other Greek and student organizations. They are fun. They are different. They are special. They are unique. They are talented. I am going to miss my sorority days SO much. It's a little bittersweet, but I'm ready to move on to the next phase of my life.

to my sweet sisters- you've all changed my life. you've bettered me, believed in me, encouraged me, hugged me when I needed it, and let me be bossy when I needed to be :) i am so thankful for all of you and all the roles you have played in my life.

check out these amazing women:

zeta tau alpha fraternity

georgia state zeta's

cheesy.

this is kind of cheesy, but it's a dreary day and it encouraged me a lot. so maybe it will encourage you as well.

On this day, you read something that moved you and made you realise there were no more fears to fear. No tears to cry. No head to hang in shame. That every time you thought you’d offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that. That everyone and everything lives on inside you. That that doesn’t make any of it any less real.

That soft touches will change you and stay with you longer than hard ones.

That being alone means you’re free. That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you’re with is the one you’re meant to be with. That the tingles running down your arms are angel feathers and they whisper in your ear, constantly, if you choose to hear them. That everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough. That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead.

That you control that completely.

That the people who make you laugh are more beautiful than beautiful people. That you laugh more than you cry. That crying is good for you. That the people you hate wish you would stop and you do too.

That your friends are reflections of the best parts of you. That you are more than the sum total of the things you know and how you react to them. That dancing is sometimes more important than listening to the music.

That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else. That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know, is if you’re judging them. That what you make and what you do with your time is more important than you’ll ever fathom and should be treated as such. That the difference between a job and art is passion. That neither defines who you are. That talking to strangers is how you make friends.

That bad days end but a smile can go around the world. That life contradicts itself, constantly. That that’s why it’s worth living.

That the difference between pain and love is time. That love is only as real as you want it to be. That if you feel good, you look good but it doesn’t always work the other way around.

That the sun will rise each day and it’s up to you each day if you match it. That nothing matters up until this point. That what you decide now, in this moment, will change the future. Forever. That rain is beautiful.

And so are you.

pleasefindthis

the countdown begins...

FRIENDS. My life is about to get CRAZY.

Let's start with this...

2 weeks from tomorrow (15 days) , I'll be an official Alumna of Zeta Tau Alpha. wow. This has been such a huge part of my life for the last 3.5 years. It's bittersweet to leave, but I am also anxious to start a brand new chapter of my life. I have wonderful memories and friends from my sorority time. It's honestly one of the best things I've ever done.

exactly ONE MONTH from today I will be an official college graduate of Georgia State University. HOLY CRAP. It's taken me 4.5 years to do college, so I am definitely ready to graduate. School has been a wonderful experience, but it has taken a mega toll on my stress, my body, my sanity... I'm also the first grandchild in my family to graduate from college on my mom's side and the first to graduate college with the exception of my dad, on my dad's side. So my family is just as excited as I am, if not more :)

58 days from today I am leaving for what is going to be the most transformational experience of my life. I leave January 13th for Australia and I'll be back at the end of June. the last few months have been a time of intense preparation, spiritually and emotionally, and also trying to tie up all my loose ends at home. I am SO ready to go. be praying for my team and I as we're going to be challenged harder than we have ever been before and also for our safety and for many opportunities to share the love of Christ.

be blessed,

Mal

the hands and feet of Jesus.

friends... my friend mary catherine shared this with us on her blog, and I HAVE to share it with you. very rarely do things move me to tears anymore, or even move me towards action (yes, it is a problem), but this.... this tugged at my heart strings. this had me crying in the georgia state library as I read about a young girl (SHE IS MY AGE!!) that is a legal mother to 14 girls in Africa. she has given up her life of comfort in the US to live in an impoverished area and give care and love and the mercy of Jesus Christ to others who might not otherwise hear it. she runs a non-profit based out of Brentwood, TN. I won't ramble, I'll just let you read for yourself.

this is her blog: http://www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/

read about her, her struggles, her losses, her triumphs, and her joys. the most recent blog post completely wrecked my world. I hope it does for you.

one thing that often gets in the way for me is that I have bought into the lie that age is something keeping me from going great lengths and sacrificing all I have to share the love of Christ with others. what a testimony. she started this when she was 18.

seriously. read. donate to her cause if you're able. pray for her and her girls.

with a heavy heart,

Mal