oh the life of a gypsy spirit :) this has been my mentality for the last few years. I find myself always itching for something more... an adventure, to travel the word, to unravel the strings in my heart to find who I am really, to find the answers to the absurd questions I conjure up in my head, to experience God in a new way.
I have left home several times, uprooted and started over in several different places. For what I was searching for, I'm not sure. I think I found it though. there is something sweet about change. it keeps life exciting, keeps your brain working, your spirit moving, and your heart longing. even the smallest environmental changes can bring about the most significant spiritual and inward changes.
I am a free spirit through and through. I'm vulnerable and I try my best to be as transparent as possible. I find a lot of freedom in that, while still trying to maintain some sort of mystery about myself.
If I'm honest with myself... one thing I really fear is letting someone love me wholly. there was a time when I knew in my heart how the Lord viewed me and I vowed to never be in a relationship where that person was not valued and appreciated. Somewhere along the way, my worst enemy, insecurity, set in, and I did not view myself as a woman precious to God and lovely to behold. I became guarded and calloused and completely unopen to the possibility of love. I've gone in and out of this in my life and been in a few dating relationships where I opened up emotionally more than others, but in the end, the result was a shallow, surface like relationship with no emotional depth because I would not share my heart and my life out of fear and insecurity. On the contrary, I am so thankful for the relationships I've been in because of what I've learned from the hearts of the people who were willing to share their lives and dreams with me. I'm scared of committment and I'm scared of never loving someone enough. I always say things like, "I'm too much for him." or, "I'm too wild for him, he'd think I was crazy!" and that is Satan coming in and trying to take my good qualities and make me feel like they are a hindrance and a stumbling block in being in a healthy relationship with someone who appreciates who I am.
the Lord and I have been wrestling this for quite some time. one thing I have been trying to practice is to stay in constant conversation with Him during the day and repeat to myself what He has told me about who I am and how He sees me. it works. what He says is so much more than what the world says.
I always find myself saying, "but God... what about _______?" "how can You love me? I did ________."
His answers are always unwavering and always the same. He is consistent. He is constant. He is stable. He is gracious. He is always loving. He is always encouraging. He is always transforming me, making me better. He is patient with me. He appreciates that I am sometimes too loud and outspoken, that I am free spirited and hardly serious, that I talk to everyone and strike up conversations with strangers, and that I can have a good time in any situation. I am so thankful to be loved by a God who sees me as His beloved, as His bride, as His sunshine. what other kind of love do I need?
earthly love will never satisfy my soul. it will never fulfill any of the holes in my life that I have always thought love and marriage and friendships would fill. it will not sustain me and it will not meet all of my needs. I know the Lord uses those things to add to our lives and through His love for us we are able to enjoy those kinds of love and to love those people better... but they will never be enough for us without Him.
"I have found the one my soul loves." Song of Solomon 3:4
my soul loves Jesus. it is a choice everyday. it is hard and somedays I am a wretched person who completely spits in His face with the decisions I make. but He forgives and I love Him. He is who my spirit craves and my heart longs for. I hope my life always boasts the love of my Savior and that anything good in me is always seen as Him and not me. I wish I could say Jesus was my first love. He was definitely not for a majority of my life. I am learning what it means to be obedient to what He has called me to and to what I feel like He is guiding me in, regardless of my fears and my doubts. My fear and doubt are squished because He sustains and He will provide. He is teaching me wisdom and discernment, patience and trust.
this season of my life is one of being constantly stretched and pushed to the limits. I am relying on His provision moreso than I have ever had to in my life. but I LOVE it. I used to get so mad at Him when my friends would have these amazing times of trust with the Lord, because that was all they had and I had never experienced that with Him. which was my fault. but now it is my turn with the Lord, we are having our sweet time together where constant communication is a necessity and where faith is the driving force. I trust Him.
what a jumbled mush of thoughts :)
be blessed.
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